Dear Santa

Dear Santa;

It has taken me a few days sitting here looking at and thinking about the most interesting collection of gifts you left me this year to fully understand your message. Santa, I can explain everything!

I will be the first to be admit Santa, its been a long year and i have not always made the best choices, perhaps running for city council was a bad idea, maybe improving my neighbourhood by removing the dogs that bark was in poor taste. The whine party with the fake wines sold at a few hundred a bottle may not of been the charity fund raising it was advertised as; though some of that money did go to a charity I did put ten dollars into the Sally-Ann pot. I did however donate the printer I bought for making that funny money to charity once I was done with it. I still have every intention of honouring the I-O-U's I gave to the girl guides I took the boxes of cookies from. Lastly the goat I left in my former boss's office last February was eventually returned to the Toronto petting farm. Though we can both agree there are a few other things to discuss i think we should move forward without all the details having to be spell-ed out in excessive detail.... oh and as an F.Y.I. the spouse swapping website is no longer open for business.

It was with great excitement I found my stocking over flowing on Christmas morning, my heart fell just a little bit when looking inside it. A lump of coal is the traditional gift for a bad boy; having received a stocking full of it I have deduced that you see me as having been bit more then a bad boy should be. The additional two buckets of coal left under my stocking did help to drive home your point.

First to catch my eye under the tree was the really big and bright rainbow coloured box, the wrapping alone should of been a warning too me. I ripped off the paper with excitement only to be confused when the box read "Fredric's of Hollywood". The collection of anal insertion items did lead me to wonder what the intended message was. The antler set still makes me cringe. Did you believe I was seeking an alternative life style? That I was looking to explore a new sexual experience? I was not sure what the message meant until I found that little book left in the bottom of the box with clear pictorial instructions on how to, lets us say, make love to yourself.

Next I laid my humbled eyes upon the simple Green wrapped box with a simple light green bow and ribbon. With the energy of a five year old I ripped open the first box, only to find a smaller second with the same wrapping and ribbon and so I attacked the wrapping on that one too. Box after box I ripped them open only to find one just a bit smaller one each time. Then as i ripped open the seventeenth box finally the prize was in sight, and so I lifted the tinny key chain size Krusty the Klown out and since that very moment its been going on and on and on with that damn annoying "HA! HA!", please Santa make it stop.

I turned then to the golden box with silver stars, it was shinny, it was gold, how could gold shinnies be used against me? How simply and fast ones dreams can be destroyed. Again I opened the box peace by peace pulling the wrapping paper away. This time there was only one box to open, a simple one about the size of a bread box. The last pull at the tape and I laid my eyes upon a jet black velvet jewellery box, with the most tender of touches I open it to find a medal within "First place in backstabbing and double crossing". I do so humbly thank you for the recognition.

Now having been bit twice I was hesitant to open anything more from under the 5 foot tall pine scented air freshener so I turned my attention to a simple pale blue envelope nested with the branches and ornaments. Gently I pulled it loose from the grasp of the tree and tenderly teared open the Christmas card. Now at first i thought the wanted picture from homeland security was a prank the kind you find in any party store, I was much more surprised when Fox news ran the same picture not 5 minutes after I opened the card. Please Santa I feel wanted enough you can stop these posters from being plastered everywhere I go now, I have started to run low on bail money.

Once again I focus my attention under the tree to the last two things under the tree, could it be maybe one of them was safe? So I sat looked under the tree to decide which one to pick. As I could find no safe way to choose I used an old rhyme my my childhood. Ennie Minnie Moe......... The smaller gift in white shinny paper with the big red bow puffy as a pirate shirt would be my choice. With care and effort I picked it apart, slowly lifting the paper to peak under it. With the utmost in delicate care I opened this gift, it was a simple thing with no teeth, but the bite of its bark I shell not Forget. So now sitting on my bookcase is a book i shell even read well, its Little Miss Manners that has shell teach me so well.

When finally I came to the pretty wrapped box in red and blue marked "Open me last or else" it was with trepidation and a touch of fear I slowing unwrapped it. My eyes grew in wonder and concern when I saw the box proclaiming it was a laptop computer. It was with a pounding heart of joy that when I opened the box and I really did see a new laptop for me. I have to admit as I plugged it in I was expecting a tribute to middle east freedom fighters, however too my surprise it just booted up with Windows NP edition. Now as you know it starts up and only does one thing. Your reputation as one of the finest toy makers of all time is well earned. I was truly surprised to learn that your also very skilled with Photo shop, you must of been practising on the www.fark.com forums. Now I can understand you where probably a bit upset about finding those pictures of me and your Misses; however I feel that adding in Rudolph and friends was a bit extreme and tasteless, the creation of the free wed-page to show of your work was only more icing on the cake. For the record Santa it was a one time thing, I had no idea she had a camera and for the record she was the one who brought the peppermint schnapps to my table and started flirting.

Please Forgive me, or just pass over my place next year Santa, please.

B.